StarCon Bungles
by Balin Lord of Moria
Summary: Another day, another bungling adventure with Roger Wilco and the SCS Eureka of the Star Confederation.


**A/N:** My knowledge of the Star Confederation and the SCS Eureka and its crew is sketchy at best, because I haven't played _Space Quest 5_, but I like the story of the fifth _Space Quest_ game, and I wanted to write about adventures with the StarCon's most reliable vessel, the SCS Eureka, the garbage scow.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Space Quest_ or its sequels; I'm just having fun playing in the sandbox of this universe.

* * *

**StarCon Bungles**

Once upon a time, in a distant galaxy named Earnon, there was a Star Confederation that aligned the many planets, asteroids, and other planetary bodies of the galaxy and ruled the space lanes with a fleet of StarCon Ships, or SCS's. The Confederation was the protector and sustainer of all that was Right and Good in the Universe, and an Extremely Exalted High Commander led its Fleet and Armada while the Confederacy as a whole was led by a president.

The crew of this ship included Rumproast Droole, a trigger-happy pilot and gunner, Gowitda Florence Qwerty, or Flo, a communications specialist, W-D40, a science officer, Clifford "Cliffy" Crawford, an engineer, and Captain Roger Wilco, vastly underrated hero and former janitor who had saved his home world of Xenon almost as many times as the Confederacy had. It was quite a skeleton crew, but Captain Wilco had gotten to his rank quite by accident, and his crew was less than enthusiastic to have him as their leader on the garbage scow, the SCS Eureka.

One day, they detected a spaceship coming their way. It looked like it was hostile, and Droole was eager to shoot it down. "It's got to be one of those Sludge Bandits again, Captain," he said, "Can I shoot it down _this_ time?"

Roger looked at the viewscreen. "Hmm, no, Droole," he said, "I think it's a friendly vessel. Stop having such an itchy trigger finger!"

"Captain, I'm telling you," insisted Droole, "that's a Sludge Bandits' ship! They'll just wreak more havoc with their garbage that creates Pukoids!"

"I'm not so sure," said Roger. "Droole, we are members of the Star Confederation's Fleet, and foreign ships aren't always troublemaking crooks or pirates. StarCon can make peace as well as war, can't we? Let's try to hail them, first. Flo, comm the other ship."

"If you say so, sir," said Flo, who sounded like she agreed with Droole, and she hailed the approaching vessel. "Unidentified vessel," she said, "this is the SCS Eureka of the StarCon Fleet and Armada. Please identify yourselves and your business in this quadrant."

There was silence for a moment. Then, a voice came from the viewscreen's speakers as a rather ugly creature appeared on the screen.

"I should have figured it was Roger Wilco's ship!" the being said. "Only he would be unable to recognize a Sludge Bandits' spacecraft when he saw one. Well, we're some leftover Bandits from when you defeated the Pukoids, and we intend to finish what our dead brothers started. Kiss your butts goodbye, bums!" And with that, the other ship began to open fire.

Droole and Flo moaned. Roger looked slightly embarrassed.

"I _told _you we should have opened fire when we had the chance!" Droole exclaimed.

"Calm down, Droole," said Roger, "Just line up your sights with that ship as best you can and open fire. You can feel free to placate your trigger-finger now."

"It'll be easier said than done now, though," complained Flo, "Now the Sludge Bandits' ship is a moving target, and those are harder to hit."

"I'm sorry, Flo-" began Roger.

"Sorry isn't good enough, buster!" she interrupted.

"Just be quiet, Flo!" snapped Roger. "Droole, fire at will!"

And with that, Droole fired the Eureka's laser cannons at the criminal ship. During the dogfight, the Bandits managed to land a hit on one of the engines, making the ship ineffectual to flight, but three minutes later, Droole managed to land a shot on the enemy, and the ship was critically damaged, leading to its self-destruction.

"Well, that takes care of them," said Roger cheerfully.

"Yes, but what about that hit to our engines, sir?" demanded Flo, "Now we can't fly this thing!"

There was a call from the engine room. "Cliffy here, Captain," said Cliffy, sounding grumpy as always. "That engine hit can be repaired in forty minutes, plenty of time for more trouble to come this way. But our warp motivator is damaged too, _again,_ and I need help improvising on how to fix it!"

"All right, Cliffy, just calm yourself down," said Roger soothingly, wondering how effective it was, "Let me think for a moment." Roger brainstormed all the witless ideas he had used in the past to outsmart his past nemeses, and soon, he thought up something.

"Cliffy," he said, "fix the warp motivator with wire again, but if you don't have bailing wire, then use solder, and stick it in place by using a blow torch to melt it in place. And if you need help with the engines, well, just repair them in the usual way, and if they still don't work, I'll think of something else."

He heard a sigh. "If you say so, sir," said Cliffy, and they settled in to wait.

For forty minutes, Cliffy repaired the engines and the warp motivator, while Roger had his usual "civilized" conversations about his incompetence with Droole and Flo. W-D40 stepped on the bridge at one point, listened to their discussion for a few moments, and remarked, "I must say, Captain Wilco has certainly hit a sore spot with the crew of this 'sore' old parasite of a refuse ship.."

"You said it, W-D40," Droole and Flo agreed. Roger tried to look nonchalant, but wasn't sure if he was succeeding.

Finally, Cliffy reported back, "Everything's repaired, sir, but the engines still won't go. I've flipped all the right switches and pushed all the right buttons, and we still can't get her going!"

Roger suggested, "Try pounding the engine console at least once, Cliffy."

"What?!" said Cliffy in dumbfounded surprise.

"It always works in the movies," said Roger amiably.

Cliffy groaned, but he tried it.

The engines began to roar again when he hit it!

"Well, I'll be darned," he said, "It actually worked! Well, once again, I think you earn your stars and stripes, Captain, as much as we hate to admit it."

"I still say it's much better to be professional and organized than to have a seat-of-the-pants approach to everything," said Droole, "But you certainly seem to know what you're doing, Captain."

"Yeah," said Flo, "Congratulations, Captain."

"Hey," said Roger modestly, "to each his own. But I'm still glad to see that Bea isn't the only person in my life who loves me for who I am."

"We didn't say we loved you, Wilco," said Droole. "We just implied that you're surprisingly good for a guy who bumbles through every gosh darn adventure he has."

"Oh," said Roger. "Well, it's better than nothing."

And so that day, the Star Confederation, the strength and the hope of the universe, made another small triumph. Another group of Sludge Bandits had been destroyed when their ship was melted down by the sharp beams of hot lasers, while the SCS Eureka and Roger Wilco continued to flourish, and set out to seek more new aliens, to explore new planets and asteroids, to boldly go where no janitor had gone before.

**THE END**


End file.
